Archive | May, 2014

Crybaby Jacob and Molly the Grasser

29 May

He was a boy most lacrimose
She was a girl who told tales
Apart they were a handful
But together they were off the scale

He cried when he fell over
He cried when he lost his lunch
He cried when he got a B minus
He cried when I gave him a punch

But she was worse…

She told the teacher I cheated
When I just had a glance at her work
And she tittle tattled again
When I gave both her pigtails a jerk

But now I can no longer stand it
Because now – and this really offends
They’ve only got eyes for each other
And they were my only two friends!


Maurice mudge

14 May

Maurice Mudge was one mad moo
A bull in a china shop – it’s true
If you got in his way he’d trample you
Then he’d go through your pockets for a bob or two

Patricia Podge was a porky-pie
Proof in the pudding that pigs can fly
Wrapped up in a blanket on BMI
Was better than being at home in the sty

Constantine Woof was barking mad
A son of a bitch with an odd little fad
For chasing his tail, though no tail he had
A habit he learned as a pup from his dad

The Roadkill Pastor

12 May

Not to be confused with roadkill pasta. Pass the parmesan…

He goes out on weekends and lighter week-nights
Up and down A-roads, looking for death
Then when he finds it, he parks in a layby
Takes his shovel and a bottle of water
Walks to the corpse and gently he lifts it
Carries it off to the side of the road

He won’t wear a mask or gloves on his hands
He’ll never dehumanise his work
Blood, guts and gore, the least of his worries
He’s seen and handled it all before
He finds a spot and he buries the body
Pours holy water upon the spot

Back at his car, he drives to the next one
Cat, fox or deer, he buries them all
With each he gives a mumbled prayer
Different words, every time
Police turn a blind eye, they’ve stopped him before
They’re just glad there’s no more like him.

Eyes on the Road

9 May

I see you through my windscreen
Weigh you up
Check you out
Undress you
Wonder if you see me too
Do you care?
Do I not
Impress you?
Burdened by a sense of guilt
No I can’t
Wish I could
Caress you
You are not a good boy’s thoughts
Eyes on road
Better to
Repress you

What would I do without my sharpie?

8 May

More often these days there’s a mental music that accompanies my ‘poems’. Once again, the show-tune that accompanies this ode to stationery will remain in my head as I don’t have the craft to get it out!

What would I do without my sharpie
What would I do without those pens
I couldn’t show typographical errors
Or point to grammatical amends

I couldn’t exist without my sharpie
Without them the world would be flat
I need them to underline issues
Or to emphasise this or that

If anything ever happened to sharpie
If ever it were in great peril
I’d offer my all to protect it
Or I suppose I could just use a berol?


Close to you

2 May

To the tune of  ‘Close to You’ by Bacharach and David (performed by The Carpenters)

Why do bruises suddenly appear
Every time you are near
Because of them I don’t want to be
Close to you

Why do friends not come anymore
To our house, to our door
Just like me they don’t want to be
Close to you

When you’re home the hounds in my head they all howl together
And were they real they’d tear your face apart
But they’re only in my mind and so
They can’t act out what’s in my heart on you

That is why I’m going to leave
It’s to make you believe
Then you’ll see, no-one wants to be
Close to you