Home is where the arse is

9 Dec

It was chaos at home, dad was fighting with mum
So I went to the library to study some
But the library had only one table and chair
Thanks to the government’s approach to financial affairs.

I got there early and I claimed the seat
Like a famous explorer with new land at his feet
My bladder was empty, I was all set to stay
Studying ’til the library closed for the day.

Shortly I realised I wasn’t alone
By the meaningful cough of an elderly crone
You know the sort that at night keeps her teeth in a cup
I averted my eyes as she shambled up.

She hovered awhile hoping I’d take the hint
But her pronounced limp didn’t fool me a bit
I’d seen her in action in the Post Office queue
She was as fast a greyhound smelling fresh rabbit stew.

Next came a man with last week’s newspaper
I thought to myself, what’ll be his caper?
With no subtlety he gave an elbowy nudge
But there was no way on earth I was going to budge.

So it went on like some sort of game
They all came, the laboured, the tired and the lame
But I held my place, tightly clenching my cheeks
Hours went by, but they felt like weeks.

‘Til finally something in my head went ‘ping’
I’d studied all day but I’d not learned a thing!
I went home to my family and relative peace
A home is a place where every arse has a seat,


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