Index of an autobiography I’ll never write

14 Apr

For napowrimo day 12 – an index poem

Alex: third-born child and hopefully last, p152
Brian: amusing mis-spellings of name, p82
Cricket: tedious misadventures in, p54
Dog: ‘we gave Bernie to a good home – honest’, p9 (see also ‘Parental trust issues’)
Elizabeth: first love, p78 (see also ‘I thought I’d never stop crying’)
France: being shot at in Europe, p59
Gary: dodgy neighbour, p40
Huggie: budgie #2, p41; Holly: certifiable daughter, p135
Illegitimacy: p2
Joe: brother, nemesis and reason for Bernie’s mysterious disappearance, p8; Jacob: first-born, life-changing son, p117
Kit-Kat addiction: p98
Lacrimocity and other made-up words, p217
Mike: mysteriously large sibling, p45
Neck: unusual length, p15
Overdraft: the never-ending, ever-growing, p176
Peter: the Great, p165 ; Pecker: budgie #1, p4
Queen: teenage copyright infringements,p30
Radiohead: ‘I saw them live for just £4, you know’, p102
Siri and other sworn enemies: p321
Talent: the ongoing search for, p402
Urmston: swamp crawled out of, p2
V-necked guitar: p88
Wife: p65
X-rays and other medical procedures: p53
Y-fronts and other ill-advised fashion decisions: p19
Z-cars and full list of TV shows never watched: appendix A


9 Responses to “Index of an autobiography I’ll never write”

  1. paula graham April 14, 2016 at 7:09 pm #

    Amazing, amazing, insightful too!

  2. Crow April 14, 2016 at 7:39 pm #

    I’m fixated on “Neck: unusual length, p15.”

    • BRH April 15, 2016 at 12:36 pm #

      I’d tell you but it might compromise sales.

      • Crow April 15, 2016 at 1:02 pm #

        Ha ha ha!

      • Crow April 15, 2016 at 2:41 pm #

        Wait. You’re selling necks?

      • BRH April 16, 2016 at 10:39 am #

        Well, everyone needs one!

  3. silencekilledthedinosaurs April 15, 2016 at 1:30 am #

    I love this. Very clever and amusing.

    • BRH April 15, 2016 at 12:34 pm #

      Thank you!

  4. Karina Pinella April 15, 2016 at 2:34 am #

    Makes for a good ABC primer and I too am curious about that neck.

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