Tag Archives: poet


30 Apr

Goodbye coffee
I knew you well
You tickled olfactory
With golden roast smell
But now I must leave you
My doctor insists
Ever since he sampled
My orange-brown piss

Goodbye cake
You filled my heart
Literally and figuratively
So now we must part
It will not be easy
But my surgeon said so
When he cut through my sternum
To find carnage below

Goodbye wine
You dulled all my pain
And stopped those voices
That were inside my brain
My probation officer
Told me I must not fail
Or the judge will just throw me
Straight back in jail

Goodbye life
It’s been a blast
I’ve lived hard and hearty
And so very fast
I’ll think of you fondly
But now I must leave
Because this bony fellow
Won’t give a reprieve.


Dodgy Career Choices

30 Apr

There’s a tune to go with this but I can’t write music so I can’t set it down. Trust me – it’s catchy!

I’m going to join the army, I’m going to join the war
I’m going to get a gun and give the other side what for
I don’t know who we’re fighting or what we’re fighting for
But I’m going to join the army and I’m going to join the war.

I’m going to be a banker, I’m going to make some cash
I’m going to get some business cards and drive around all flash
I’m not too good with numbers, but I’ll give it a bash
‘Cos I’m going to be a banker and I’m going to make some cash.

I’m going to be in movies, I’m going to be a star
I’m going to see my name in lights and have hookers in my car
I dance like Kevin Bacon, so I think I will go far
So I’m going to be in movies, I’m going to be a star

The Girl with the Saucepan on her Head

29 Apr

What happened to the girl
With the saucepan on her head
Did she wind up in the movies?
Did she write a book I read?
She became my lover
Then she became my wife
I removed the saucepan
And I ruined her life.

Animal traffic

26 Apr

I struggled for ideas today so here’s a little ditty inspired by that most mundane of things, a traffic bulletin…

“Animals on the motorway are causing congestion”
Said the news today, which led people to question
What kind of animals? Some lions? A bear?
And what were the animals doing on there?
Was an elephant running for charity?
Was tarmac being painted by a manatee?
Had a rhinoceros gone and shed its load?
Had porcupines got stuck in the road?
The news didn’t say, so nobody knows
But you could always ask the armadillos!

For napowrimo day 26

Advice from a modern mother to her traditionally-named daughters

23 Apr

Don’t do it Marjorie!
Don’t do it girl
Your heart’s all a-flutter
Your head’s in a whirl
Don’t throw it all away
Don’t be a silly
Don’t run away with him
Stay with me

Don’t do it Winifred!
Don’t go so fast
You’ll enjoy it more
If you make it last
What’s all the hurry?
It’s not a race
You’ll be quicker to regret it
If you don’t slow the pace

Don’t do it Bernadette
Don’t worry so
All your anxiety
You need to let go
You won’t get anywhere
Gnashing your teeth
Chill out or you will end up
6 feet beneath

For day 23 of napowrimo. Not following the prompt this time – not even looked at it!

The 2 sides of a child

22 Apr

For day 22 of napowrimo, a childrens’ poem that sees them as they really are. Written by a fond parent…

Oh innocent child
Thy small face alight
With bright wonder at
Those myriad things
Confounding and magic
That brighten your day
And you dream of at night

Yeah right!

I’m no mug
You impudent thug
You buggerlugs
You puller of rugs
You squasher of slugs
Hiding behind
Your angelic smile

Lurks… evil!


20 Apr

For day 20 of napowrimo, the prompt for which was to speak with the voice of another member of the family. I enjoyed this one.

I never knew hatred
I never knew war
Until I acquired
Sons and daughters-in-law
Those layabouts and harridans
I can’t but abhor
The way that they look at me
As if I were no more
Than a piece of excrement
That lay on the floor
That someone had stepped in
And then walked through their door
They resent my being
Every visit’s a chore
They’ll only be happy
When I am no more